I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
