I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
