I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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