So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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