I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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