He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
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