Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
