Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
