Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just cropdusted the office
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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