Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
