dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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