I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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