his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
