Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
