If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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