Pappa wants mamma naked
North Korea, Best Korea!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Terrible idea I love it
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