apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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