I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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