I think I am morally bankrupt
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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