He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
