my being single is dangerous.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
