I wish I could teleport
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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