Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
