I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
