So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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