I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
