I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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