the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
