I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Sorry my hands just texted you
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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