Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
