I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
