She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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