I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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