Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
This beer is not sobering me up at all
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
