Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
