i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
