cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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