mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
