You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
