Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
