She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
