I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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