i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you made out with another girl for some wings
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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