a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize