I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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