its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
