Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
