Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
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