I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
