All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
