I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just tell him i said nine months
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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