and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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