There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
