you have to choose: penises or morals?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
