Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
