Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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